Written by Cristina Tanzola
Navigating the child welfare system is like walking a tightrope. On one side, there’s the hope of stability and safety; on the other, the painful reality of separation from family and friends. Young people in care often find themselves grappling with feelings of isolation, longing, and loss. One crucial element that can make all the difference is visitation, and the challenges that come with it can deeply affect their mental health.
The Distance Dilemma
Many youth face physical distances that keep them apart from families. One Lived Experience Leader shared, “My mom wasn’t able to visit me because the facility I was in was hours away from our community. She couldn’t afford to take the whole day off work, as visiting hours were limited to business hours.” This is a reality many young people encounter: their homes and their support systems are suddenly far away, making it almost impossible for their loved ones to connect with them.
“These barriers aren’t just logistical; they’re emotional. When you’re already feeling displaced, knowing that your family wants to visit but can’t adds another layer of heartache. It creates an overwhelming sense of abandonment and contributes to the mental health challenges young people face. They’re left feeling like they’re drifting further away from the people who matter most, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and a feeling of helplessness.”
Why would a lack of visitation—when a youth knows their family wants to visit—create a sense of abandonment?
When a young person is aware that their family wants to be present but is unable to visit, it can evoke feelings of rejection and abandonment. The youth may internalize this inability to connect as a personal failing or an indication that they are not worth the effort. This dissonance between the desire for connection and the reality of separation can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and worthlessness, leading to profound emotional distress.
Why would a family want to visit, but not be able to?
There are various reasons families may want to visit but face obstacles. Logistics such as distance, transportation problems, or financial constraints can play a significant role. Additionally, systemic barriers like legal restrictions, scheduling conflicts, or lack of support from the systems involved can further complicate matters. Emotional challenges within the family, such as mental health issues or unresolved conflicts, may also impede their ability to follow through with visits, despite their desire to connect.
How does ‘drifting away’ lead to all of these different emotions?
The feeling of “drifting away” can be particularly distressing because it signifies a loss of connection and support. As young people feel increasingly disconnected from their loved ones, they may grapple with a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. This emotional distancing can trigger anxiety as they worry about the stability of their relationships and their future. It can also lead to depression, as feelings of isolation and despair deepen. Ultimately, this drifting away creates a cycle of negative emotions, making it even harder for them to reach out for help or maintain healthy relationships, further entrenching their sense of abandonment and emotional
Understanding these emotional layers is crucial for supporting young people facing such challenges. Recognizing the impact of visitation barriers can help inform strategies for reconnecting families, providing meaningful support, and fostering resilience in the face of adversity.
Letters of Connection
In the face of separation, many young people try to maintain bonds in any way they can. Lived Experience Leader Izzy Rodriguez recalls: “When I first entered care in 2016, I was placed in a home far away from my siblings. A last resort… a ‘this is who will take you’ placement. I wrote to my younger siblings daily… several times each day. They sometimes wrote me back.” Writing became a lifeline, a way to keep the family ties strong and remind ourselves that we’re still connected.
Izzy continues that in those letters, “we promised each other that ‘the Rodriguez name would never cease to empower us’ and that we were ‘stronger than this system.’” Those words held immense power, helping us feel like we still had a place in the world despite the chaos around us. But as time passed, the letters began to dwindle. “One day… the letters stopped coming. And soon after, I stopped writing.”
The end of that correspondence felt like a severing of ties. Without the active support of the adults in their lives, young people are often left to navigate the emotional fallout alone. With so little control over their circumstances, losing the ability to nurture those sibling relationships can feel like yet another loss—a loss of connection, love, and hope.
This void magnifies the struggles they face, making it even harder to cope with the challenges of their environment. The absence of those letters symbolizes not just the loss of communication, but also the fading of shared dreams and mutual support. As siblings, we once derived strength from each other, but now, without that connection, the sense of isolation grows deeper.
The emotional impact is profound; young people are left to wrestle with feelings of abandonment and disconnection, amplifying their vulnerability in a system that often feels indifferent. The very essence of who we are—the strength we drew from our shared identity—starts to fray. We need to recognize that these relationships are crucial for resilience, and without intentional efforts to rebuild those bonds, the hope we once nurtured may slip away. It’s a stark reminder that connection is not just a luxury; it’s essential for healing and navigating the complexities of life.
The Role of Professionals
These are complex and sensitive topics that require careful consideration and a compassionate approach. Here’s a guide on how to address each of these nuances when discussing them with mental health providers:
General Tips
Navigating these issues can be challenging, but with open communication and a focus on support, it’s possible to create a healthier environment for the child. The struggle for connection in the face of separation is a challenge many young people know too well. Visitation is not just a routine; it’s a lifeline that can impact their mental health in profound ways. By prioritizing and facilitating these connections in turn nurtures resilience and promotes well-being among youth in care. Let’s work together to ensure that every young person knows they are not alone, and that their family ties—no matter the distance—are worth fighting for.
About FosterClub and the Lived Experience (LEx) Leaders who contributed their perspectives to this blog: FosterClub is the national network for young people who experience foster care. In partnership with Lived Experience Leaders, FosterClub drives change in the child welfare system and provides direct support to children and youth.
